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  I’d be lying if I said there isn’t the tiniest twinge of jealousy. I know I could still be with Jay if I wanted, but I don’t. There’s Logan, who is apparently very interested. He is really sweet and a total gentleman, but I’d be lying if I said I wanted him. I have a feeling that if I get together with Logan, it would play out the same way things did with Jay. Both Jay and Logan are great guys, but there is just something missing. Some kind of understanding, some passion, some fire—I can’t really put my finger on it, but I know in my heart that as sweet and kind as they might be, they are just not the men for me.

  I hate that while Melanie is waxing poetic about Bryan, all I can think about is Reid. He’s been nothing but a total jerk to me since the moment I met him, but I can’t deny that I want him. There’s some pull, some draw between us, and I just know that he feels it. He has to, or that kiss wouldn’t have been what it was. I want to dig deeper; I want to know him better. I want to learn what put the pain in his eyes. I want to soothe it. I want to share my pain with him in the hopes that he can help me wash it away, because despite his anger, I’ve seen compassion in his eyes, too. I’ve heard the hope in his voice. I’ve seen him laughing with his friends, and I know there is a good guy in there somewhere.

  Melanie and I finish our hike as the sun is setting on the horizon. When we get back to the dorm, we huddle up on the couch and watch some girly chick flick and give each other manicures. I’ve missed time with my best friend. It’s light and airy and easy—everything that Reid and what I’m feeling for him are not. In short, it is the perfect cure for my shitty Friday night.

  I spend the entire afternoon and most of the evening on Sunday in the library studying for a major psych exam on Monday. The class is by far my most difficult, but I’m starting to figure out how to survive it. Hopefully at some point in the semester, I’ll actually come to enjoy it, but that’s highly doubtful.

  I rarely oversleep, but since I was up so late studying last night, I barely have time to brush my teeth and make myself presentable before the big test. I make it to class just as the T.A. is handing out the exam booklets. I take a deep breath and give it my best effort.

  When the exam ends an hour and a half later, I feel good about it. It might not be my best grade ever, but I studied my ass off. My next class passes in a blur. By lunch time, I am famished and completely exhausted. I grab a sandwich from the to-go bar in the cafeteria and head back to my room for a nap.

  It’s four in the afternoon when I wake up, and I feel rested and energized. Since I missed the gym this morning, I get my new kicks on to go for a run outside today. Maybe my oversleeping was an attempt by my subconscious to avoid Reid at the gym. Yeah, I definitely spent too much time with my psych textbook this weekend.

  Running on the trail is so much more exhilarating than the gym. The fresh air is cool and crisp against my skin. Rather than beating down on my back oppressively, the sun is gently kissing my shoulders and warming my muscles. I make it to the clearing where Melanie and I had lunch the other day and take a break to breathe in the beauty all around me. The lake is pristine and so unbelievably calming. It’s surrounded by evergreens, and the contrast between the deep emerald color of the trees and the aqua blue of the water is so stark that it looks almost unnatural. I hear some birds chirping in the tree above me and look up and see a pair of sparrows perched side-by-side like two love birds. . I laugh a little at the cheesiness of the scene, but it really is beautiful.

  In honor of my promise to myself to see the beauty in the world, I lie down and look up into the sky. Jay’s words about not being able to get over the death of my parents until I let myself play back in my mind. Usually I push down the memories I have of my parents; they’re just too painful to let get to the surface. But on this occasion, I decide to just let go and feel them for once.

  One of my favorite memories from my childhood is when my dad and I used to go to the park on Saturday mornings. It was his sweet way of giving mom some time to herself. I think he just liked his weekly slice of Maddy-time. We would lie on our backs and name the shapes we saw in the clouds. I would put my head on his chest and hear his heartbeat. I was safe and protected and loved. In this moment here on the ground, staring up at the clouds, I can almost smell his cologne, some spicy aftershave; I can almost feel his heart against my cheek, a calming thump-thump in his chest. I can hear him chuckling as I name some pretty ridiculous things—a starfish, a baby, a peanut butter and Fluff sandwich. An unbidden tear rolls down my cheek, and I can’t help but smile at the memories. We would always go out to the diner after our park dates, and get pancakes and bacon for lunch. Some afternoons we’d come home and Mom would be napping on the couch, so we would sneak off to go catch a movie, or hang out down in the den and watch a baseball game.

  Those days were the happiest in my life. I hope that maybe one day, it’ll feel like that again, like heaven on earth. I might not be there yet, but for the first time ever, it doesn’t feel like hell.

  Chapter 6

  Saturday Morning—Post Best Kiss Ever with Maddy

  I see the tears pouring down her face as I retreat to my room, but I am just too fucked up right now to go to her. I know I’m being exactly what she said I was—a dick—but I don’t have it in me to hear from her sweet lips how much I’ve hurt her. I want to apologize for almost knocking her over, for insulting her, for being a huge douche, but I just can’t own up to those feelings right now.

  I will most definitely not apologize for kissing her, though. Since I first met her, I’ve wanted to kiss her—to do so much more with her. But that kiss—oh, God—what the fuck was that kiss? I have never felt anything like that in my life, and well, to put it mildly, I’ve kissed my share of girls.

  Love ’em and leave ’em. Yeah that’s always been how I work, and it works for me. No attachment, no commitment—perfect. I put up some pretty fucking sturdy walls after Alex fucked me over, and no one has been able to break them down. I won’t let them. But there was something in her eyes; I saw it when we were dancing. I could see into her soul, and it shook me to my core. She knocked me totally off my game. She’s sarcastic and snarky, but she’s got so much sweetness, too. I just cannot get her out of my head, and now I’ve gone and really fucked things up.

  She leaves shortly after our kiss, and I know she’s upset. Logan is sitting at the kitchen table, pouring milk into his cereal. I stare him down, beyond pissed off that he would do that to me—you know the whole “bros over hos” thing, but then again, it’s not like I made it known that I want her.

  Why would anyone think that you actually want a girl. You’ve done your best to push them all away.

  “I guess it’s safe to say that you had a good night, Logan,” I remark; my voice is laced with angry sarcasm.

  He leans back in his chair and folds his hands behind his head. “Fucking fantastic, actually. Maddy’s fucking hot.”

  His words antagonize me, and I fist my hands at my sides. I don’t want to hit him again. Well, actually, I do want to hit him, but I won’t. I want some details, and somehow punching him in the face might not help my mission.

  “Is she? Hot, I mean? I hadn’t noticed.”

  He sees straight through my bullshit, not that I tried that hard. Can’t lie about how gorgeous Maddy is.

  And sweet.

  And sassy.

  And perfect.

  He straightens and glares at me. “You didn’t notice? Seriously? Then what the fuck was your problem last night? You nearly took her out and came close to knocking me out, too.”

  “Close to knocking you out? No, I definitely got you good. Nice shiner, by the way.” I can’t hide my smirk. I got him pretty good.

  As he walks past me to go watch some ESPN while he eats, he whispers, “Best lay of my life.”

  “You’re a shit, Logan.” I don’t want to say more than that. I don’t want to lay my cards on the table and give him more fuel, but I’m furious—at him for swooping in and looking like a knight
in shining armor, at her for sleeping with Logan, at myself for being an asshole.

  Definitely not pissed because I wanted to be the one sleeping with her. No, definitely not that.

  I haven’t seen Maddy since our kiss Saturday morning. She hasn’t been to the gym. She hasn’t been to the house. She hasn’t been anywhere that I am. After a week of not seeing her anywhere, I’m getting the distinct feeling that she’s avoiding me.

  Now why would she want to avoid you, asshole? It’s not like you kissed her like you meant it (which you did) and then all but called her a slut (which you did). Yeah, “asshole” pretty much sums it up.

  Okay, she’s definitely avoiding me, and I don’t know what to do with it. After she left the house on Saturday morning, I tried to figure out my feelings. I was not successful. God, I sound like a pussy. Figure out my feelings. Logan bragging certainly didn’t help me in the least.

  My phone vibrates in my pocket, and for a minute I hope that it’s Maddy.

  Asshat, you never gave her your number, and at this point she wouldn’t want it.

  I slide my finger across the screen, opening up the text. It’s from Jessa.

  ~ Wanna get together later?

  “Get together” is her code for a booty call. Usually I jump at the chance. Sex with no strings—fucking sign me up. We’ve hooked up a bunch in the last few months. When most girls agree to the “no strings attached” fling, they usually do so with the hope that it’ll eventually turn into more. They want to tame the untamable, but not Jessa. She’s fine with the distance. She’s crazy hot and is always up for a good fuck, but I’m just not in the mood tonight, though. I don’t even bothering texting back. She’ll find someone else to “get together” with her.

  I need that distance when it comes to girls. I’ve always needed it and wanted it. I refuse to let anyone get close to me.

  And it is in this moment of clarity that I realize why I’ve been such a prick to Maddy. She’s been nothing but nice to me—okay, fine she’s been sarcastic and on guard with me, too, but I make her feel that way. She hasn’t been all over me like all these other girls, but there’s something there that says she wants more. There’s a vulnerability and openness that she’s trying to guard, and I know it because I’m the same way.

  I can’t deny that I want more with her; it just scares the shit out of me.

  The knocking on my door steals my attention away from my thoughts on Maddy.

  “Hey, man,” Jack calls from the doorway.

  “What’s up?”

  “Me and some of the guys are heading out to Shooters tonight. Wanna come with?” At this point, Jack’s offer sounds perfect. Some time with the guys, shooting pool, having a few beers—not thinking about Maddy—absolutely fucking perfect.

  The pool hall is packed and loud and the perfect distraction. We’re on our third game when I see her enter. My mouth goes dry, and my heart plummets in my chest. Gorgeous—simply stunning. Her hair is down in flowing waves; it looks sex-mussed—it looks perfect. Her tight jeans accentuate every single fucking curve of her perfect ass. Low-cut jeans and a midriff-baring top would look slutty on most women in here, but on Maddy it looks hot and oh, so inviting.

  Jack nudges me with his pool cue, indicating that it’s my turn to shoot. He chuckles a little when he realizes the cause of my distraction. When I’m done with my shot, he asks, “You’ve got it bad, huh?”

  “What do you mean?” I retort.

  “Maddy.” He angles his head toward her direction. “You’ve got it bad. That’s why you kicked Logan’s ass and why you’ve been in a mood all week. I didn’t put it together before now, but it’s her. You want her, and you can’t have her.” He’s wearing a smug look on his face, obviously proud of his newfound detective skills. Jerk.

  A quick shrug of the shoulders, and the conversation is ended. I think Jack can tell that I just don’t want to get into it. The fact that Cammie walks in right behind Maddy helps to distract him as well.

  Lia, Melanie, and some other guy, who I later learn is Melanie’s new computer-lab boyfriend Bryan, follow Maddy and Cammie. What the fuck. Jack didn’t tell me this was a family reunion. I’m so not in the mood for this tonight.

  I am in the mood for ripping Maddy’s clothes off and hearing her scream my name. Now, that doesn’t sound like a horrible plan.

  “Hey, baby. Up for a real game?” Jack’s words are laced with lust, and I know that he’s just challenging Cammie to a game so he can look at her ass while she plays.

  Hmmm, not a bad idea. Not a bad idea at all. Now, if I can only get Maddy to go along with the same plan.

  Cammie sneaks a look in Maddy’s direction, obviously unsure whether Maddy wants to play against us. I’ve really pushed this too far. Maybe it’s time for me to give this a shot and see what happens. The chemistry between us is already off-the-charts hot. Maybe it’s time to let some of those walls come down—not all the way, but just a little.

  “C’mon, girls. It’ll be fun,” I chime in and wink, hoping that it will lure her in.

  Cammie responds with a cheery “sure.” All I get from Maddy is an exasperated sigh and a disinterested “whatever.”

  Really dug myself in deep with this one.

  I walk up next to Maddy and lean in. I want her to play. I want her to see that I’m not always a jerk. Okay, fine, “jerk” is an understatement. But I have to make things better. It’s time to turn on the charm.

  “Please, Maddy? I promise I’ll be a good boy,” I coo into her ear.

  “Oh, puuulease. Like you even know what that means!” she snaps.

  “It’ll be fine, Mad,” Cammie interrupts. “Jack is here. He’ll keep ass-face . . . um, I mean Reid in line.” I have never liked Cammie more than I do right now.

  “Oh, okay, fine.” Maddy huffs. Well, she might not be happy about it, but at least she’s staying.

  Lia, Melanie, and Bryan set up at the table next to us, and we all start playing and laughing alongside each other. Maddy quickly forgets her anger at me and relaxes into the game.

  Seeing carefree and fun Maddy lightens my spirits and only makes me want her more.

  And oh, thank the gods who created low-rise, ass-hugging jeans. Watching her bend over the table for the last few hours has been quite the show, one that I catch some asshole at the next table enjoying as well. Maddy notices him, too, and adds an extra strut to her stuff; there’s more sway in her hips. Damn her. She’s flirting with him, and I’m right here.

  When our game is over, he swaggers over and puts his arm around her waist. I can only catch snippets of the conversation, but I see her smiling and giggling like a little girl. She looks happy.

  She’s happy because he’s not treating her like a piece of garbage.

  “Cam, I’m going to go grab a drink with Mike,” Maddy announces to the group, but I catch the sharp look in her eye as she walks past me.

  She’s been at the bar with him for two hours now. She hasn’t had anything but a couple of sodas. They started out just talking, but that quickly grew into playful banter and flirtatious touching.

  Part of me is seething in anger that she’s doing this to get back at me. Part of me is enraged with jealousy because I want her to be like that with me. And part of me, a much larger part of me, is concerned for her. There’s just something about this guy that I don’t like.

  Jack, Logan, and I have been coming here for years, and I’ve never seen him before. He doesn’t look young enough to be a college student, either. I just don’t like him.

  He realizes I’m watching them and occasionally leers over at me; he then leans into Maddy’s ear and whispers something. Her eyes widen in a state of shock, but she quickly recovers. She’s shaking her head “no,” and she points over to where Jack, Cammie, and I are still playing pool. Melanie and Bryan left a little while ago. Lia left with them, too. The pool hall has never been her scene.

  Mike quickly recovers from her rejection and resumes his playful flirting. Maddy see
ms to welcome its return.

  I can’t watch any more. I need a break from this scene playing out in front of me. I suddenly realize that Maddy getting together with Logan would have been much better than her hooking up with this guy. Logan is one of the good ones—a fucker for sleeping with her, but a genuine good guy, nonetheless; Mike, not so much.

  I hate to leave my watch post, but nature calls. As I walk past them on the way to the bathrooms, Mike leans in to kiss Maddy, even though she clearly said no to his advances earlier. She sees me and kisses him back. I think she sees the look of disgust on my face because her eyes seem to convey some sort of apology.

  I push past the exit at the end of the long hallway where the bathrooms are located. I just need some fresh air. I need to clear my head. I need a few minutes to regain what little composure I thought I had.

  I sit down on the curb of the sidewalk and hang my head down low. This is all so foreign to me. I feel like a gigantic pussy over all this, but one thing remains clear: I want her.

  For the first time ever, I want a girl for more than just one night, for more than just sex. She’s alive and vibrant. I just feel like she sees me, the real me. Scares the shit out of me, but I can’t deny it any longer.

  I don’t know how long I’ve been out here, giving myself this little pep talk, but it has definitely strengthened my resolve with all things Maddy-related. The only way for her to know how I feel is to tell her. I have to stop being an asshole, stop being afraid, and just see what happens.

  All that shit happened years ago, and Maddy is not Alex. She wouldn’t hurt you like that. Plus, Shane’s already dead, so it’s not even possible for Maddy to hurt you like that.

  I bury the sinking feeling of guilt over my dead brother and try to shake the vile thoughts of Alex out of mind. No matter how many times people tell me otherwise, I know I killed him. It was entirely my fault—and hers—Alex’s. My blood goes cold just thinking about her and Shane.